Wisphers from the deep well

A cry inside my heart

2008-12-27T22:24:00.000-08:00

You know the feeling that you can't accept who you are.
That a part of you wants to be the person everybody expects you to be.
That a part of you wants to act the way the society wants you to act.
That a part of you wants to CONFORM and be so-called normal in the eyes of the public.

I want that. I always wanted that.

It's hard to be different especially if you don't know why you're like that.

It's hard to be a bi-sexual female. Hey, I'm not a lesbian, I had 2 boyfriends before.
But at the back of mind me, someone is whispering to me that I want to be with a girl.

"If i were boy..."

I don't want this feeling. I hate it. I didn't choose to be like this, to have a crush on girls, to sometimes act a little manly.. In fact, I want to be just a girl.

I wonder why I was born this way. Sometimes, I pray to God to just take away this kind of feeling towards girls coz I know that it is not right.

I can't do anything about it. No matter how I try to control myself, I'm just too weak.. Really. :(

Christmas Presents

2008-12-26T00:06:00.000-08:00

I did not exactly feel the Christmas spirit. Unlike a lot of people, I was not excited nor happy about Christmas. I dunno, the feeling of excitement vanished in me a few years ago.

My family was not complete this Christmas. I cannot even recall the last Christmas that we are together. Nonetheless, even though I don't feel Christmassy, I did not fail to greet my friends and relatives. But in our family, there's no Christmas greeting.. well, except for that who called from Vegas to greet us. But I acted happy when he talked to me.

A day before Christmas, my siblings and i had our usual last minute Christmas shopping at Makati.

I got my new Lacoste Summer Terry bag. :) Love it! (Image from internet)

And my a pretty blouse from Kamiseta and Fossil Shades.

My Brother got a white Nike Pilipinas Jersey Shorts.

Sorry, I could find the white one. But it's the same style.
He also got his Adidas Jersey. A black kobe bryant jersey.

My sister got her new clothers at Zara and Guess..
My younger brother got a blue nike slippers and a cap from somewhere.

So yah, this Christmas was just about material things to us now. Not about our family, not about happiness.

Sad isn't it? That while others are having the time of their lives in Noche Buena, everyone in our house were doing their own thing.

first shot

2008-11-24T18:38:00.000-08:00

my life revolves around hearsays and rumors.

each time I walk at the corridor, people stare at me differently.

and I know they always have something about me.

Is it because of the way I look, the way I dress?

Or perhaps the way I speak?

I live in GOSSIP.